In between heaven and hell

I’ve never been touched by you,
by your sad long fingers
and your breath of silence.

I’ve never been touched by you,
or the chorus of weeping angels
that garden the spaces in between.  

I’ve never been touched by you,
But how I recoil so desperately
terrified of the way you’ll make me mind black.

i love you/i like you

Sometimes I lie in my bed listening to the purposefulness of the traffic outside and the quiet murmurs outside my bedroom door and try to cry. I try to conjure up the painful memories of what was never there but I don’t feel like they’re there anymore. Whatever it was, whether it was time or simply a change of mind on my behalf, has lifted me out of this dark rut of despair and I no longer feel for you. 

And I don’t know whether to laugh with happiness or cry that I don’t care about that anymore. 

I can’t, I can’t

I

Can’t

Do

This

Anymore.

I can’t
stop for you
Anymore.

I can’t 
feel sorry for myself
Anymore.

I can’t
want to sleep forever
Anymore.

But…
I can’t, I can’t
I can’t forget you 

and at once I knew, I was not magnificent

I had the salty air dried in my hair and taste of the ocean fresh on my lips. I had no reason to come back but I did. I got on the train, dazed by the lights and thought about something I shouldn’t have. Why bother? Why try? I sometimes hate to admit it but the fact that I feel this emptiness in my body, this all consuming fear of trying to find new people to replace this. I could never do that. I have something worth valuing that I can’t replace. I can’t live like this and I can’t live with myself for stopping for this. 

shit, i just don’t know how to be free of all this again. 

That night

I don’t remember much,
All I could recall was a haze of broken glass
and wine red water
scattered around me like fairy dust,
It was as if time, itself,
had ceased to exist,
and I was stuck. 
Stuck, stuck, stuck with you.

A Phoenix

My life is a series of of journeys. I cannot stay in one place for too long before I get tired of the monotony of everyday life. I have had to stay in this place for all my life and it feels like it is slowly suffocating me, as it has been for sixteen years now. When I finish high school, I’m out of here. Out of this country which has been holding a grip on my shoulders for way too long and I fear I will always have their imprint. I will travel to Europe and see wonderful things in the most simplistic ideas. I will learn so much about human kind and why we are this way and God, I am so fucking excited. I want to go to university afterwards and learn so much more about literature. I want to be inspired. But if ever it starts to get difficult to breathe, I will escape for a few weeks to where ever suits my fancy and come back reborn.